Love and Forgiveness

In 12-Step programs, the 7th step states: We humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. It insinuates that there is something “wrong” that requires removal, and that God is responsible for removing it. Shortcomings refer to behaviors that cause ourselves and/or others harm, and the “removal” is in reference to these behaviors. While I believe God is fully capable of relieving us of behaviors we want to refrain from, simply asking for their removal denies us the opportunity to learn about what’s underneath and to love what we find there.

What is Step 7 but the return to truth? To Love and Forgiveness? We need this as much as anyone—to love and forgive ourselves when we act in ways that are contrary to Who We Are. But we cannot do this alone. We need “a Power greater than ourselves” to help us. To start, we discover what feeling lies underneath the shortcoming, for it is always a feeling that provokes us to act on shortcomings so as to not feel the feeling. Our shortcomings arise in reaction to feelings that exist in our day-to-day lives and in relationship with others. They are reactions to feelings, not the situation or person.

The challenge in relationship with others is tracking our emotional responses as quickly as they occur. We have no way of anticipating someone else’s words, expressions, or behaviors, and yet they can so quickly trigger us. Before reacting on a shortcoming (e.g., blaming, shaming, guilting, minimizing, invalidating, etc.) we have power and choice. To realize “they know not what they do” is a helpful mantra when someone speaks or acts in a way that feels hurtful. It means that whatever anyone says or does comes from their own internal world and motivations. It is not about us. (And even when it is provoked by something we did or said, if we can remember the truth of our inherent lovability and worth, we can respond to their comments or feelings with compassion and understanding, instead of defensiveness.)

To see with eyes of love softens our own experience of others’ communication, for it allows us to not take things personally, and to not take things personally helps us to not be reactive. However, to see with eyes of love requires that we monitor and actively attend to our own inner world, to the feelings and responses in us. And so the goal is not to remove a shortcoming or the temptation to act on one, but to increase our willingness to feel our feelings.

Here is a variation on the 7th step prayer that can help us with this practice:

God, please help me to love what’s here. Help me have the courage and willingness to take ownership of my thoughts, feelings, and impulses; to acknowledge them and the truth of them, so as to not blame another for them. Help me learn to see clearly, interpret truly, and respond to all with love and forgiveness.

Amen.