Boundaries
“How to awaken?…. Stop doing the things that keep you asleep.”
When we gain awareness of the ways in which our habits and behaviors affect our Inner Child we can no longer act in ignorance or denial. We feel their pain when we abandon them through our addictions and distractions, and although such behaviors seek to numb or change the way we feel it does not relieve us of their pain, for it does not meet our Inner Child’s need that would heal it. At a certain point we realize that unless we make changes in how we live we will continue to struggle, suffer, and live life half-asleep.
And yet making these changes is much easier said than done. It has been years since I was given that simple advice, and I am still only learning what it means to put into practice. The nature of Recovery is truly mysterious, for despite having a sincere desire for change and growth we may still find ourselves engaging in behaviors that keep us stuck. When do we finally break free of habit? I think it happens gradually, and by no means perfectly. It happens when we have made time to really feel how our behaviors impact our Inner Child; it happens when we make space for our Wounded Self to tell us how scared and overwhelmed they feel living our life for us; and it happens when we become a little more willing to trust in God’s care for us. It is these things and likely much more.
Forty days ago I made the decision to try living differently. I was hitting bottom with certain Wounded Self behaviors, intended to keep me distracted from my Inner Child’s pain. I was impulsively using the internet, checking my email, listening to podcasts, and watching movies, and experienced how such behaviors kept my consciousness asleep. The weeks went by without my awareness. I found it more difficult to be present with my experience, with nature, and with my partner. And so I had the idea to begin a 40-day journey to consciously create boundaries around the behaviors I was struggling with. The number of days was symbolic of Jesus’s 40 days in the desert and the Jewish People’s 40 years journey into the Promised Land. I had wanted to make all the lifestyle changes I desired on day one, and to keep that going indefinitely. I quickly experienced (painfully at first, and now, on day 40, with humor and endearment) that making any lifestyle changes so abruptly is not human. But it is possible with some humility and patience. In this last week I have been able to make more conscious choices in how I live, and it has made so much of a difference in the quality of my life.
The truth is that it is much easier to practice abstinence than moderation. There are some behaviors we can choose to abstain from and there are others that we can continue to engage in, but learn to do so consciously. I have not stopped using the internet, checking my email, listening to podcasts, or watching movies, but have learned to set limits on when I engage in such behaviors and for how long. And most importantly, I have learned to ask what my intention is for using them. Practicing boundaries in this way is not an act of harsh discipline, but of self-love. It is here, where the Road of Recovery that once looked narrow opens up.
